What lies beneath the moment of "freeze"
“I know you like it. I know you want it.” He grunted in my ear as my frozen body was pinned to the floor of the balcony.
It was New Year’s Eve in a foreign city.
Moments earlier, I was telling him “No.”
“Let’s kiss but nothing more, okay?”
Could I have pushed him off? Probably. Could I have screamed in his face? Yeah.
And yet, I lay there. Still. Silent. Stunned.
Entered without regard, respect, or consent.
It’s easy to hear common stories like this and automatically think, “I would never let that happen to me.” or “Why didn’t she do something? She had the full will to fight back.”
Let me tell you this.
These moments of freeze and self-censorship don’t begin when they’re happening.
They begin each time we shrug, “It’s fine! No biggie. Don’t worry about it.”
They begin when we nervously laugh instead of stating, “You will not speak to me like that.”
They begin when the boundary has been crossed and nothing is said.
They begin when we drag on relationships out of a sense of obligation.
They begin when we make life choices according to the opinions of others.
They begin when we refuse to say, “You interrupted me. I was speaking.”
They begin when a little girl is hardwired to believe that her safety, love, belonging, and value in the world are primarily dependent on her level of over-accommodation, caretaking, perceived selflessness, and never “making a fuss.”
I have now spoken with hundreds of women who shame and blame themselves for all the times they said yes when they meant no, continuing to cage themselves in a prison of regret and self-hatred.
Your worth is not tied to how comfortable you make people feel. Your worth is untouchable.
And we cannot expect others to fully trust us until we actively demonstrate our ability to tell them the truth about how we feel. Even if it hurts. Even if it’s awkward and risky and uncomfortable.
That’s where true power and intimacy are born. Not from people-pleasing, wearing a cool girl mask, or swallowing our emotions. But from being a ruthless advocate for our hearts and souls, moment to moment.
We must also recognize that our inability to effectively defend and validate ourselves is not our individual fault or flaw, but a symptom of the flawed systems and structures that we exist within.
Your sexuality is so much more complex, divine, ever-evolving, and multidimensional than merely existing for a performance or an exchange for a fleeting sense of love and validation.
Your sexuality is yours.
Your body is yours.
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Nadine Hamilton is a certified Somatic Sexuality Coach and devoted Practitioner of somatic healing, embodiment, emotional alchemy, and earth-based spirituality, offering coaching and mentorship that guide soulful, driven women to unleash their wildest expression, expand their capacities for pleasure and intimacy, fall in love with their true erotic nature, and remember their own divinity.
Explore Nadine’s transformative collection of heartfelt offerings, resources, and freebies here.
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Video background music credit: Opening by Essie Jain